I Saw the Barbie Movie (and cried from start to finish)…
Back in the spring, our team was growing through a difficult moment. It happens in every business. It wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last. Such is the life of a living, breathing organization. Everyone was integrating with their roles; we had upskill initiatives running; and we were figuring out our rhythm, dynamic, and – emotions – as a team.
I lost a lot of sleep at that time. Most nights, I’d wake up at 1AM with my heart racing, and thrash around until 3AM in a sleepless spiral. Yet, there was nothing to do. I – and we in our business – had taken all the actions possible.
Like a parent, I had to sit back and wait: allow people space and time to go through pain, drawing their own conclusions and lessons. If Ellevated Outcomes is my baby, this phase of parenthood broke my heart. Every day was an act of (trying to) balance generosity and compassion with running a business. Afterall, I’m relentless clear-eyed about Ellevated Outcomes’ mission.
But to fulfill the mission, it’s my responsibility every day, to cut through the noise and (I repeat): run the business.
In early summer, our dynamic began to turn, and I could see clear skies ahead. Then one day, I received some brave, honest feedback. It broke my heart one more time (and then my heart got a little reprieve, haha). It went like this:
“Julie, you talk about generosity as one of Ellevated Outcomes’ values. That is not my experience of you.”
I evenly replied, “I’m so sorry that’s your experience of me.”
Perhaps shockingly, I didn’t feel defensive. I suppose because: all my decisions on the topic at hand, even if it didn’t feel that way, were made from a place of the utmost integrity. I could see things that this person couldn’t. That’s a CEO’s job. To see the things that others cannot. So I could be understanding, sad, and neutral to their feedback, all at the same time. Because of this, I knew that each of my moves had been wired for generosity.
But of course! This internal knowledge didn’t stop me from ruminating all weekend. That night I told Dave about this conversation, and he said something I’ll never forget:
Julie, you confuse people. You act like a female. You dress like a female. Write like a female. Attract people like a female.
But you run your business like a man.
You may be thinking: stun. Silence. Mic drop. But it wasn’t a shocking moment. I didn’t even need time to process a response. It came out clear as day: “You bet your a** I run my business like a f****** man.”
Fast forward to last Sunday; Dave and I saw the Barbie movie.
I cried from start to finish. It wasn’t one scene. It wasn’t one monologue. My tears were a slow, steady 2-hour stream. As we left the theater, he cautiously asked, “Soooo, what’d you think? What’s going on in that big, beautiful brain of yours?” (a phrase he uses to simultaneously suck up and cautiously get a peek into my mood on the horizon).
I replayed his (correct) statement from 3 months prior and added:
“That’s it. That’s what Barbie played back for me. I act like a female and run my business like a male.
Nearly every waking hour of every day is a calculation. A balance. A careful calibration of how much femininity should I exercise? How much masculinity could I exercise? I adjust and readjust all day long, every single day. I shift the weighting for clients, employees, partners, males and females. In fact, I have to adjust way more for females. This rebalancing takes up 20-40% of my brain’s hard drive, all day long.”
And believe it or not, I’m not even complaining about it. It’s actually kind of interesting. But I am tired. It’s tiring. (Personal aside: this is actually the crux of the issue that ushered me into therapy this year, and I’m so relieved to have help, wading through it).
I love women. My life wouldn’t be worth living without my girlfriends. And I love men too. Especially at work. Men have been some of my most important teachers and most powerful, giving sponsors. Because I enjoy calibrating to men, they have gone to bat for me and given me opportunities that have made my dreams come true. Women: do not be fooled in our 21st century. Banding together and leaving men out is a fool’s errand. Men have power. But the smart, lovely ones want to share it with us.
Some people mistakenly think that Ellevated Outcomes only works with females. Absolutely not! 25% of our clients are men. And when the time is right, we’ll hire males too. Surrounding oneself with men, alongside women, is a very important part of diversity to me.
Some of you may be wondering what acting like a woman but running your business like a man even means. Whether we know it or not, I’m sure that each of us has (at least) an unconscious idea that comes to mind.
As a woman, I love to dress up; I care about how I look and present, both personally and for business. I think it’s fun and a creative outlet, and I’m not naïve: (first) impressions matter. Style and aesthetics matter to me. I engage and connect with people deeply. Send handwritten thank you notes and give thoughtful gifts. I give space for others’ tears. Often.
And in my more masculine moments, I give direct, hard to hear feedback. I prioritize facts over emotion. I think the compliment sandwich is a waste of time. (Yet, I love giving compliments. Which means: if I’m giving you praise, I seriously mean it). I expect others to treat me like an executive, yet I roll my sleeves up to get the job done. I’m unapologetic about my and my business’s standards.
All this to say: yes, I’m running a business. A business exists to make money (otherwise, it’s a hobby). Now, I love to share that money, as may be the stereotype for women. But I do not apologize for financial objectives. And I will make the tough, unpopular decision that’s the right decision.
So if that’s what it means to act like a woman and run a business like a man, I stand by it, no matter how painful or how tiring. But my deepest hope in business is: over time, these 2 yins and yangs, pushes and pulls, won’t have to feel so at odds. So… confusing. It means that each of us, whether we’re female or male can operate our lives and businesses, out of Barbie and Ken’s Dreamhouse, where the nuance of being feminine and masculine is not the exception. It’s the norm.
