Closing 2022, with Head & Heart

A few weeks ago I turned 39. While this number may garner the reaction of “ohhhh almost 40!” to some, yet seem inconsequential to others… to me, the age of 39 is important. It brings a feeling of magnitude, that I’ve carried over the past few weeks and as I move into year-end.

I often mention: I’ve always wanted to be older. I’ve spent my entire life working toward the next milestone of maturity. Independence. Self-realization. And 39 is the milestone age I’ve been after, for decades.

When I was in the most formative years of my career – or pre-career – the women I looked up to in this particular snapshot of time – were 39. I wanted to emulate them. Be them. Though hearing this would make them cringe, to me, they were high-flying, high-powering goddesses. Role models of having and doing it all at breakneck speed. They were extremely cultured, traveled well, worked hard, had cool kids and relationships with their husbands unlike I’d witnessed elsewhere, and possessed the most essential business skills: they knew how to navigate money and men (read: power). I learned so much by osmosis, observation, and late nights over glasses of wine and intimate chats.

So to me, the year of 39 was going to be when I really transformed into the woman I always wanted to be. And of course, it’s not an overnight thing. She’s been years – decades – in the making. But at 39 I’ve planned to officially feel like I’m grown-up (because you can command feelings on demand, obviously). And I’d be that admired woman, the way I admired these other women.

A Sliding Doors moment

Then, just after my birthday, a funny thing happened. I was incredibly lucky to be a guest center of influence at Art Basel, by my very first employer in my first career. I was excited for the opportunity and nervous. I always get nervous about things like this, and they always turn out great. Go figure.

Of course, that company has changed in the 15+ years since I’ve been there, so there were lots of new people to meet but a couple oldies. They still knew me as Julie Walsh (my maiden name), which made the independent woman in me do a happy dance. She was also a fun alter-ego to play that night, ha! But man, it was so easy to slip right back in. I knew all the terminology, deals they were talking about, questions to ask about capacity allocation, commission structure… And the truth is: I woke up the next morning a little sad (and hungover, but that’s a different story).

A couple days later my 20+ year girlfriend arrived to meet me for the weekend (so she knows all the phases of me very intimately). I told her about feeling… Sad? Weird? Confused? I boiled it down to: “Man, I could be making so much more money and have such an easier life if I’d stayed the course.” She replied, “But would you be happy?” To which I responded, “Don’t be annoying, Siobhan. No one asked you.”

In retrospect…

This year, I’ve been thinking about my first and second careers a lot. I had such a great, lucky first career. Really, my dream. Gosh, I learned so much, so quickly. And was trusted to do tough, sink or swim things that changed my entire trajectory. I got to do what for many, would be a lifetime’s worth of work – in a decade.

But then I started seeing the writing on the wall: to continue rising rank-wise, I’d have to compromise on values that I hold dear. And I just couldn’t. So I left to begin career #2 with Ellevated Outcomes. A lot of people do this – women especially – but not until their 50s. I started 20 years early. So when I zoom out and think about it… 39 year old me is both nothing and everything like I imagined she’d be.

As an adolescent, I loved this quote:

“Would the person you were look up to the person you are?”

And for all the bits of me that are not who I thought I’d be…

I think that the answer to this is yes. I have to remind myself over and over (and over) again: there’s no there. My gosh, as much as I want there to be, there’s just not. There’s just this.

That doesn’t mean do away with the goals, the striving, the ambition. I believe that these are core elements that give life meaning! It’s how self-realization. Heck. Self-actualization comes to be. Through work, effort, the journey, as they say. But you’re never going to achieve the thing that makes you that person – whoever you think she, he, or they are. All we can do is make sure that each of our acts and actions bring us closer in alignment.

So whether you’re 39 like me 😉 or any other age, I hope that you’re closing 2022 with pride. Maybe you accomplished some big things. Maybe you accomplished some small things. But I hope that whatever you did – or didn’t do – this year, is bringing you closer to the person you always wanted to be.

Closing 2022 with head & heart –

j