Go First

If I may be so bold today, I’d like to declare that I have a few pretty impressive and mildly useful superpowers. I can pull together a “look for less” outfit like nobody’s business. Pack for a two week trip in a carry-on. Keep a manicure for TWO WEEKS (I’m not even talking about gel, people)! But there’s one more life practice, turned business superpower…

In the words of Gabby Reece, I’m never shy to “go first.”

I’m not sure when or where in life I started embracing this. Perhaps it was all the rejection growing up, negotiations I’ve tried and failed at, or the many moves I’ve made as an adult. But somewhere along my path, I decided that it’s always worth a try to go first.

As Gabby says, “Someone has to.” I’ve heard her talk about it in small ways. Like when you’re walking by someone on the street, someone has to smile first, or no one does.

But for some unknown reason (probably having to do with vulnerability), it often feels insurmountable – impossible even, as an adult, to make the first move.

I actually think about this all the time, as most(?) of my best friends, living around the globe, are my friends because I went first. Like an innocent kid on a playground, I approached these strangers one day and inquired, “Will you be my friend?”

There’s Paula, in the Netherlands, who I spotted across the room in Paris five years ago. Her demeanor and style told me, “I want to be this woman’s friend.” Five days after our first hello, I asked her to be my friend and roommate. I laced the request with caveats and outs so as not to appear “too American” [read: very puppy dog-gie and extremely American].

Then there’s Emilie and Grant in London, who I encouraged during a long Sunday run years ago. I came up alongside them and cheered, “You’re almost there!” And if you know my running, this is a little crazy considering my ten minute mile. Later, I learned that Grant was literally Australia’s national steeplechase champion and regularly wins marathons <face palm>. Um… he did not need my encouragement. But here we are seven years later, toasting their third child, new jobs, and our future reunion in Australia.

And finally, my most recent victim: Tracey. We met exactly three years ago on a neighborhood, Christmas house tour. I walked into her gorgeous display house and declared to Dave, “Oh, I am getting this woman’s number. She will be my friend.” He rolled his eyes and searched for the nearest exit, while I found Tracey and started showering her with admiration and praise. And of course asked for her card and if she’d have drinks with me. Three years later, we share a quarantine bubble; she’s a regular fixture in our Friday pizza nights; and she and Dave regularly gang up on me in disagreements. (So my embarrassing forward-ness kind of worked out for him too).

But if you’re wondering the point of these little anecdotes and why I tote this as a business superpower, it’s because this skill is the opposite of what they teach you in a “classical” career and company. Companies are so often about the “hard” skills. The technical things. The stuff that makes you look important and smart. And don’t get me wrong; the technical things are important. I love me a P&L and proper decision tree.

BUT. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past three years un-learning the “hard” stuff and re-learning the soft stuff. For it all comes down to the answer to these simple questions: “Do I like you? Do we have chemistry? Do we have a spark?”

The biggest career break of my life came about because I offered a guy a piece of gum, started chatting and bonded over running, and then sent him a good luck email before his upcoming race. After the fact I discovered that he was my boss’s, boss’s, boss’s boss. And he became one of my biggest career sponsors and changed the trajectory of my life.

I often say, “If you see something, say something.” And I’m not talking about airport danger. I’m talking about an excuse to go first. Give a smile. An offer for help. A compliment. I give them out at work, on Instagram; to friends, to clients, to strangers walking down the street. You just never know if this small effort will light a spark. A private spark that helps someone glow inside. Or a public spark of chemistry between you two.

In a time, a year, a season like this, I believe that everyone needs a friend, a colleague, or a stranger who will… go first.