How to Receive Feedback (and give it too)
Over the past couple months, we’ve been talking a lot about leadership and management from multiple angles, whether you’re a Small Business CEO, a Manager, or an Employee. And no matter what seat you occupy, to grow at work (and life), feedback is paramount. I believe that we all must learn how to receive feedback and how to give feedback.
You may remember me mentioning a learning earlier this year, when Cara offered, “Last year, I learned how to receive feedback and give it.” I was gobsmacked at the idea of feedback as a tangible skill to absorb, learn, and improve. It had never occured to me. But upon reflection I realized: of course it is. So to that end, I asked her to share directly with you, her feedback learning loop, as well as some tips and tricks. So without further ado, please enjoy Cara Jackson‘s take on how to receive feedback, how to give feedback for managers, and how to give good feedback examples…
Coincidentally to Julie’s recent blog post on the topic, we’ve just come out of Annual Performance Review season at Ellevated Outcomes and are moving back into our regular monthly 1-to-1 cadence.
If you haven’t picked up on this yet, we give and receive employee / manager feedback a LOT at Ellevated Outcomes. It’s ingrained in our culture, and we’re a stronger team for it. But as someone who wasn’t used to a culture of feedback, when I joined the team, I had some learning (and unlearning) to do.
In previous jobs, the only real feedback I received was once a year in my annual performance review. Even then, it was typically delivered in the span of 10 to 15 minutes: “You’re doing a great job. Keep doing what you’re doing…” accompanied by news of a raise and bookended with an offer to answer any questions I might have.
I’ll be honest: I LOVE positive feedback. It feels great. In fact, I keep a folder in my email inbox labeled “Happy” where I file positive feedback or kudos that I receive. (I can’t take credit for this tactic, but I also can’t recommend it highly enough.)
What I didn’t love was feedback that I perceived as negative. If it wasn’t overwhelmingly positive, I viewed it negatively and often took it personally. Often, I would stew on it and beat myself up or growl about the other person in my head.
This is where we get to the unlearning. To survive and thrive in a culture that values and prioritizes honest feedback, I had to let that go.
How to Receive Feedback
I’m still a feedback work-in-progress, but here are 2 things that have stuck with me after almost 1.5 years(!!) at Ellevated Outcomes:
1. Repeat after me: “It’s not personal.”
It’s a manager’s job to observe someone as they do their job and give them feedback. And as it’s the manager’s job to deliver the feedback, it’s the employee’s job to receive feedback and use it.
Personally, I’m someone who wants to grow and get better. I want to do great work for my clients, and I want to be a solid, contributing member of our small-but-mighty team. If I’m not doing something right or optimally, I want to know about it.
One thing that helped me ease into my new “don’t-take-it-personally” mindset was our practice of exchanging our manager / employee 1-to-1 prep 24 hours before our meeting. If there was tough feedback coming, I had advance warning (HA!), time to work through any feelings that might come up and then be ready to receive it face-to-face the next day and ask clarifying questions. It helped my brain to know that forethought and care had been put into the feedback that I was being given. When I changed my perspective and began to assume positive intent, receiving feedback that I perceived as negative stopped feeling personal.
2. Flex your feedback muscle.
Giving and receiving feedback is a skill. I think you can truly get better at both, but it takes practice. For me, it was about really listening, taking a deep breath and taking in the feedback, asking questions, and then doing my best to integrate and implement it. As I practiced all of this and as time went on, it got easier and easier to hear the “here’s something you can do better” feedback in a positive manner. I started calling it “flexing my feedback muscle.” Now I focus on hearing feedback through a filter of “You’re doing great, and I know you can do even better.”
How to Give Feedback for a Manager
If you’ve never done this before, you’re not alone. I hadn’t either. Here are a couple things that I’ve learned on this journey:
1. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” does NOT apply here.
Don’t worry about hurting your manager’s feelings. Good managers want your feedback, and they want ALL of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s because you’re in a unique position. You’re doing the day-to-day work. You have perspective that they don’t.
As an employee, if you’re not giving your manager real feedback, you’re missing a giant growth opportunity for yourself, your manager, and your team and company at large. If your answer to your manager’s question of “Do you have any feedback for me?” is always no, they won’t assume they’re perfect and everything’s is great. They’ll assume you’re holding back and/or don’t want to hurt their feelings.
If you have feedback, get it out and into the light. The few times that I’ve been scared to give tough feedback have resulted in some of the best conversations I’ve had with Julie.
2. Don’t hide behind an email or a text.
This is a good one from Matt Mochary. Unless the feedback is completely positive, do your best to only give feedback in person or over a video call. The same is true in reverse, too. Managers should never use a one-way communication method to deliver feedback (email, text or voicemail). Managers, it might feel “efficient,” but it will often end with your employee feeling hurt or angry, which you won’t have an opportunity to see or address in the moment.
How to Give Good Feedback Examples
Now that I’ve shared my own learning and unlearning around feedback, I’d like to share 3 quick examples of what giving good feedback to a manager can look like.
TIP 1
Make a point to call out and thank your manager when they deliver feedback in a way that feels good to you and your brain.
“When you acknowledged my extra effort on the Smith project last week, it really motivated me. I thrive on that kind of feedback, and it helps me stay engaged. I just wanted to share that it makes a big difference, and I really appreciate it.”
TIP 2
Don’t show up with feedback only. Bring a solution.
“I’ve noticed that I sometimes leave team meetings unsure about priorities. When the goals aren’t super clear, I feel like I’m not focusing on the right things. It would really help me if we could summarize key takeaways and next steps at the end of each meeting.”
TIP 3
When you’re delivering what feels like tough feedback, be factual and specific and use “I” statements.
“During yesterday’s team meeting, when you acknowledged my idea about improving our workflow but moved on quickly without asking for more input, I felt like the idea wasn’t fully considered, and it made me hesitant to speak up again.”
Examples of How to Receive Feedback Well
And now for the other side…
TIP 1
Listen fully before responding. Don’t interrupt, defend, or jump to conclusions. Focus on understanding, not reacting.
“Thanks for sharing that—I want to make sure I’m hearing you fully. Can you say a bit more about what you noticed?”
TIP 2
Ask clarifying questions. This shows you’re engaged and committed to improving.
“Can you give me an example of when that happened, so I can better understand what to change?”
TIP 3
Take ownership. If the feedback is valid, own it.
“You’re right, I could’ve handled that better. Next time, I’ll check in before making that kind of decision.”
As I said, I’m a work-in-progress, and I love learning from others’ wins (and mistakes, of course–let’s be real). Are you a master feedback giver / receiver? Share your tips and/or experiences! I’d love to hear them—just send me an email.
